It's December 28th and 99% of my Christmas decor is put away. That never happens. Ever. I cling onto the twinkle lights and the magic of Christmas like it's my paying job most years. But not this year.
This holiday season was particularly hard for O. From the second the tree went up he had a hard time. It was similar for him last year as well but this year was a touch worse. We have our theories as to why this is the case for him and it's pretty common for people who have suffered loss in ways like he has to not be as jolly during the holidays. I hate it for him but selfishly I think I hated it more for myself. I love Christmas. Like I love it. I love decorating, watching Christmas movies, baking Christmas cookies, seeing Santa, looking at Christmas lights.... the works. But for as much as it brings me joy, it seems to bring on other not-so-fun feelings for my son. Don't get me wrong, he's all about eating massive amounts of sugar and getting presents - he's not a Grinch.
But I think the constant reminder of Christmas all around is also a constant reminder of what he misses. His Eomma. Korea. His old life.
We didn't visit Santa this year or have professional photos taken at a tree farm for Christmas cards. We didn't watch every single Christmas movie that exists. We didn't have a particularly great time on the Christmas things I did push. O was sick with RSV (we found out the day before Christmas Eve) and he was in the hospital just a few weeks before with a stomach virus. I know those things definitely factored in. I do think that those illnesses forced us (me) to have some down time. Move slower. Forget the Hallmark must-do's and just be.
So, I'm making a mental note to remember this next year. REMEMBER THIS. Because this time next year O will be navigating being a big brother and P will be trying to figure all of us out still. And that's ok. Light twinkles and carols will still be around - they just may not be as bright and loud at our house. Someday they will be. Probably. And if not, that's ok too. I'll still have my awesome husband and sweet boys with me and that's truly all that matters. And some Eggnog, by gosh. But that's only because no one else in my house likes it. :)
Here's to a great 2019 full of fun and craziness!
